Fear sucks. Its just so easy not to do anything. To do yoga at home only when I feel like it. To talk to my friends via Facebook or MySpace. To not have to have any responsibilities outside of living in a clean home. No one has to be disappointed in me. No one has to rely on me and inevitably be let down.
I like my work, but they would do just fine without me. they were doing just fine without me for long before me. I am being paid well for doing things that are mildly important. Maybe the district would be more efficient in some ways...less efficient in others if I wasn't around.
But my home would quickly become a junk-house without me. The Boyfirend is good for many things...cleaning not one of them. Maybe he would find someone if I were gone, but I love him pretty well. His son and I have pain-stakingly built a loving, although tepidly uncomfortable relationship. That is essential. It has taken years of interaction and structuring of trust. I bought him pencils and a drawing pad, a Bionacle, a Martian Matter spaceship. and a Batman bathrobe for Christmas. Presents are important in their family. Thats one of the few ways they show love.
I need to go to a Corepower yoga class today. Teacher training starts in February for them and I want to feel comfortable there before I spend thousands of dollars . I need to stack the odds in my favor as much as possible. One day of depression and stress may just blow the whole thing. It has in the past. I cannot let it anymore. Life is too short.