Fear sucks.  Its just so easy not to do anything.  To do yoga at home only when I feel like it.  To talk to my friends via Facebook or MySpace.  To not have to have any responsibilities outside of living in a clean home.  No one has to be disappointed in me.  No one has to rely on me and inevitably be let down.

I like my work,  but they would do just fine without me.  they were doing just fine without me for long before me.  I am being paid well for doing things that are mildly important.  Maybe the district would be more efficient in some ways...less efficient in others if I wasn't around. 

But my home would quickly become a junk-house without me.  The Boyfirend is good for many things...cleaning not one of them.  Maybe he would find someone if I were gone, but I love him pretty well.  His son and I have pain-stakingly built a loving, although tepidly uncomfortable relationship.  That is essential.  It has taken years of interaction and structuring of trust.  I bought him pencils and a drawing pad, a Bionacle, a Martian Matter spaceship. and a Batman bathrobe for Christmas.  Presents are important in their family.  Thats one of the few ways they show love.

I need to go to a Corepower yoga class today.  Teacher training starts in February for them and I want to feel comfortable there before I spend thousands of dollars .  I need to stack the odds in my favor as much as possible.  One day of depression and stress may just blow the whole thing.  It has in the past.  I cannot let it anymore.  Life is too short.